Can High Wild Places, Moderate Exhaustion and Listening Help in Dealing with Grief?
I don’t know the answer to this yet, but I suspect, done in the right way, it could. I lost my wife a year ago to bowel cancer (after 49 years together).
In caring for her, the place that made a huge difference to her acute and near constant pain and provided a safety net she could “fall into” on occasions; was Salisbury Hospice. A very special, almost magical place of calm, skill and understanding. I knew I wanted to repay them.
Soon after her death people talked to me about grief and the grieving process, offered advice and suggested I read a bit about it – the seven forms it can take and that it moves between, 101 ways to cope with it, a treatise by CS Lewis, plus a rather strange audiobook involving a crow. I wasn’t entirely convinced that “trying to get over” grief per se was necessarily something to strive for. That felt a bit at odds with respecting the person you have lost and with creating strong memories of your time with them. Maybe, learning to live with it and see what happens over time is more realistic.
What became evident to me was; that getting out every day with our dog (I still often slip into the plural) on the New Forest or the chalk hills to the north was my main saviour over the early months. Alone was good (albeit often inwardly still chatting to my wife) but also alongside a good listener and distractor was equally valuable. I was lucky as, in the dog’s eyes, the walks weren’t optional, and these wonderful locations were nearby. For others grieving, without these two advantages, getting outdoors and striding around can probably be difficult.
I became increasingly aware of a feeling of having little purpose in my life– a vacuum I needed to address. I pondered about ways to raise more funding for the hospice (beyond the donations from the funeral). Like most who head down this path of fundraising following bereavement, the activity needed to be physically demanding and take me out of my comfort zone. It then struck me that if additionally, the activity could “in itself” be of help to others in some way, which would multiply the value of the initiative and the sense of purpose.
The strands that consequently came together were: that my wife and I had loved Wales (where she came from and where we met) and I recollected an unfulfilled teenage ambition to walk the length of that country. Secondly, the quest for that sense of purpose through supporting the hospice. And thirdly – two groups of people I have a little insight, understanding and empathy for are those also living with bereavement and those I have worked with for the last 7 years or more – people with learning disabilities. I could visualize this activity having a relevance to both these groups.
Thus, the plan to assemble a small, bereaved group through the Hospice Bereavement Support team. Provide them with fund-raising support from the Hospice Fund Raising Team and lead them along the 300-mile Cambrian Way from Cardiff Castle to Conway. Along the way, we would offer people with learning disabilities, living close to the route, the opportunity to join us for a day or two and support them to use this as a vehicle to fund raise for their own care home / supported living home.
The joined up thinking behind combining these elements, if there is any:
- Whilst being out in nature is known to aid wellbeing, there is something powerful and calming about high places and expansive views. A good environment to reflect and gain perspective.
- It can be much easier to open-up when walking beside someone and chatting about what each of you has/is going through, without the pressure of having to talk or sit in a group, constrained by time.
- Spending time with someone with learning disabilities and encouraging them to achieve something new and challenging, is hugely rewarding and a distraction from ones own problems.
- From my work with those with learning disabilities: for them, being encouraged and supported to go beyond their normal routines and do something that gives a sense of achievement is invaluable.
The hospice and I are part way through recruiting walkers and progressing well with raising funds through businesses and organisations that I and my wife were long-term clients of. In approaching each of them for donations the response has invariably and instantly been “I absolutely get it …”. It’s been heartening to find that businesses like PFM who I have trusted over many years, have instinctively responded altruistically to this plan – supported it generously and encouraged enthusiastically.
We plan to make the walk more accessible and inclusive by splitting it into three 100-mile sections starting in late spring and aiming to finish by the autumn. We are not expecting every walker to complete the full 300 miles. As long as it represents a challenge to them and helps them in grief – that is what matters. If you know someone who might benefit from taking part, then please get in touch with Ian Long at PFM; or if would like to add to the donations the hospice fund details are:
Account Name: Salisbury Hospice Charity
Account Number: 47152680
Sort Code: 54-41-19
Importantly, please could you enter the reference “Cambrian Walk” when making a payment.
Author: Ian Long